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 The Road of the Crusaders.

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Posts : 24
Join date : 2009-09-01
Age : 23
Location : England

PostSubject: The Road of the Crusaders.   Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:57 am

Okay guys. This is a story. It's explained as it goes. I know i'm horrible at writing but please give CONSTRUCTIVE yes, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
That means no "That was bad" or "That's alright". I want to know. so here it is.

Tom dashed out from the woods, shifting his eyes from left right and center.
He went for a walk after his parents had an agrument and went for a night stroll but it all went downhill. Shouts could be heard from all around by gangs trying to catch him for being in their "Territory". Tom never wanted to fight, it was always flee for him until later that night after getting some serious injuries he stood up for himself.
"I'm not taking this anymore! I've HAD IT with you people, bring it on!", yelling with eyes of rage.

A sharp toned Voice could be heared causing an uneasy atmosphere. "You think you can handle us? Barehanded? Heh, seriously you got some Guts.. You're like a 10 year old and sound like a--" There was a pause.. Tom formed a fist and charged towards him. The other gang members tried to stop him but he was like a cat, quick and agile. "I will show you what a territory is!".
The place went silent.. Everyone stared at the sight of the Leader being Uppercutted and knocked out, but they didn't flee? No they didn't they grabbed whatever they could a weapon. Mainly Sticks, One inch thick and some with nails in. Revenge? Maybe.

There were thuds, cracks and various other noises. One or two people screamed in agony. Tom was severly hurt but the only message that went through his mind was If you all think i'm so weakling just because I don't fight, you're wrong!.
He was out numbered and unfairly matched. a sudden crack was heard as a branch whipped Tom in the back of his neck. The leader..Eye's blood shot delivered a final blow to the child. "Heh, Out cold.." It was going so well until that moment.


The child, three quater closed eyes keeping the bolting sun-rays away. Tried to get up but he had aches and pains all over his tattered body. It was 10:00PM.. Now it's 6:25AM, "Ugh, where am I? Still in the woods?" Tom said, confused and shaking.
He tried to find where he was and place his hand in Dog Poo without noticing where he was putting his body. "Ew. I need to get stronger. There are too many people making gangs now ever since some new fighting thing came out.".
This "fighting thing" was a group fight, The name of this is called Legendary Crusaders. details are. There are Ranks F to A. Each group fights for an emblem of another group. At the very top is the Group "The Road of the Crusaders" Everyone wishes to beat them but they are skilled warriors. Many say they were born to be this way. However it can end up in very serious Injuries. In this case Tom was picked on for training by some F Ranks.

End Of Chapter 1

Please tell me what you think so I can work on my next chapter.
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Posts : 24
Join date : 2009-09-01
Age : 23
Location : England

PostSubject: Chapter 2   Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:15 am

Chapter 2 - A Group in the making.

In school, Tom and his 4 friends was bullied for not making a group and were often by one of the School's many groups.
This school was like no other. It houses some of the most fierce groups around this part of town.
"Psst.. You guys, want to make a group? You are strong people, this is the perfect way to get your own back on the groups."
The friends, Josh, Drake, Ryan and James all exchanged looks with each other and eventually nodded signalling the birth of a new group in town!

"Woo!, okay guy's we need an emblem what should it be?" Tom asked with the biggest smile on his face out of all the years he's lived through.
"I say lets havea boat with a skull on the side!"
"No! let's have something better than that like a Shark."
Various ideas passed through until they all came down to the one they wanted. "Well we want revenge, lets have twos Swords and a shield."
"Yeah!", Everyone was beaming with excitement and they bolted out of the school gates at 3:00PM to the closest Manufacturer.

The group approached the Bulky Looking Guy astonished by his looks. "Heh, some Bite-Size Warriors starting eh? Name please." The tone of his voice was powerful and slightly croakish.
"Um..Um. What should we have guys?" ,Tom and the others discussed for about a minute, "Crossing Raiders."

40 Minutes Later.

"Here you go boys.. You can start battles tomorrow at 10:00AM when you're registered.".
The group of kids ran through the beautiful sunset town, A truly magnificent Sight, Roses, Violas, Croatias and many other flowers found here. This was the favourite spot for the gang. Peace, quiet. And the giant Oak Tree in the middle. They all sat there to review their days. This time however. It was different.

"TAKE THIS!" A screeching voice came from James, throwing a kick at Ryan with a successful blow to the stomache.
Ryan, stood up and braced himself for another move. Right Hook, dodge! Left hook, dodge!, Grapple Kick..?
"Heh, that was expected again!" Ryan grinned, he spun and grabbed James' leg and twisted him over on to the grass plains. "Gotcha."
Everyone was practicing. Except Tom. he was in his own little world day dreaming.. Thinking back to the fight two days ago.
He wanted them dead, he wanted to win, become the best and beat The road of the Crusaders!

End of Chapter 2
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PostSubject: Re: The Road of the Crusaders.   Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:15 pm

Misusing punctuation and capital letters devalues any story, aesthetically and readingly. Make sure that your commas are before the closing speech mark.

But it's a good beginning. It's very real (not realistic, but the whole metaphorical side of writing is absent) and I like that.
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